[Fit to Print] Where Have All My Dictators Gone?

20Dec11

RIP Kim Jong Il

Father, Dear Leader, Friend, Sunglass Designer, Inventor of the Cheeseburger, Opera Composer, Fashion Designer, Controller of Weather, Resident of Central Luxury House

I am not going to hide my grieving, I will miss Kim Jong Il. It is no secret that I love dictators, I mean, not so much the cruelty they impose on their subjects, but more the fact you can’t have a full-blown personality cult without being a dictator. To me, there is a big difference between dictators. There are boring dictators like President Nazarbayev of Kazakhstan and then there are really fun ones, like Qaddafi and Turkmenbashi. However, they are now both recently deceased and sadly no one can ever fill those shoes. BuzzFeed and The Telegraph tried to compile all the zany things Kim Jong Il has done in his life and each one is more magical than the next. With Turkmenbashi, Qaddafi and now Kim Jong Il gone, who will build a militia of lady assassins? or design their own haircut? or just babble on and on at the UN General Assembly (I guess we still have Ahmadinejad, but it’s not the same)? With the recent death of Kim Jong Il, I am left with only one living, zany dictator, and even then, he’s pretty boring. Nevertheless, he’s our only hope.

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow to me to introduce Aleksandr Lukashenko, President of Belarus!

Since we have no other suitable candidates from whom to expect mischief, or at least some crazy stunt like a giant golden statue of themselves that they think makes the sun rise and set, you better start getting used to this guy. First of all, look at that stache! Take a few moments to appreciate it, it’s been through a lot with him. And that comb-over – killer. Now I’ll let you get a bit more acquainted with Alex. Alex is from a tiny village called Kopys. He is married to his high school sweetheart, Galina (of whom there is basically no mention of ever in his biographies because they hate each other [actually true]) and has three healthy sons who all sound like they are named after a Chekhov novel.

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“I want you to build me a small doghouse.” – Aleksandr Lukashenko

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Alex enjoys lying to himself, motorcycles and Libya. He does not like Jews unfortunately. The guy is really fun, but please, hold your applause. No, seriously, hold your applause, Lukashenko has outlawed clapping in Belarus. He has even gone so far to answer the age-old Zen question, “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” by arresting a one-armed man for clapping. Seriously, the dude has a lot of jokes up his sleeve. We are lucky to still have him. Please pray for his health so that he may never leave us, lest we be left in a dictator-less world, or worse yet, a world with dictators who lack any pizzazz. Speaking of pizzazz…

Also, best 2012 halloween costume idea: Zombie Kim Jong Il. Just sayin’, you heard it here first.

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Tags: belarus, dictator, kim jong il, lukashenko, nazarbayev, qaddafi, turkmenbashi, zombie kim jong il